Drawn

you begin by believing
you want to be near
you are drawn
like a moth to a flame.
you are fascinated,
attracted.
you can’t possibly get there
fast enough.
stumbling over yourself,
you fall like a meteor
lightning speed record.

you believe i am
a force of nature
energy encapsulated
i don’t seem quite human
to you in a moment
and yet in another
utterly
entirely
softly
achingly so.

you learn,
you are high
from the knowing that
you can tell me your secrets
they can’t compete
with the horror of mine
the ones that have
colored and blistered my life
the ones that i openly
willingly share

you see quickly that
i understand
everything you are
and everything you
could possibly say
because i’ve felt it all
through and through
i’ve lived to tell
and you want to hear how

you resolutely declare
there is no other like me
you’re dying to be close
because
i can save you
you know i can
be everything for you
if you could have me
for yourself.

you can’t stop your hands
from reaching out
and touching
can’t wait to stroke
to hold
to be near
to possess
to own
for your very own

you begin to dream
of taming
controlling
changing
calming
and you desperately give it a
passionate
but fruitless try

what you and others
discover soon enough is that
i am no one anyone wants
not when they get in close
and focus carefully
the intensity burns
the energy drains
the ride never stops
the ideas flow limitless
until you believe you may drown

the stories i tell
from my life
from the things
that i’ve seen
from the damage
that’s been done
to my heart by
dangerous hands i trusted
and nearly died to be near
prove too much
for you to hold
in your hands
in your head
so they spill sideways
breaking your heart.

it’s too hard
too painful
too much

so you back off
you stumble
then break into a run
breathlessly getting yourself
back into safe space
located very close
to where you were
when you used to believe
you wanted to be near.

whereupon you
immediately discover
the moment you’re there
that you are once again drawn
like a moth to a flame.

~ cj 2011.08.16

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6 Responses to Drawn

  1. Rick says:

    Whoosh.
    I’ll have to think some more. And since we can’t edit our posts, you can delete this.

    • cjromb says:

      I love your reply. Why in the world would I delete it? And I love that you read them. Every one of them. 🙂

  2. Karen Schertz says:

    This is beautiful. And sad. The part where you write that you are noone anyone wants breaks my heart, and I so hope you don’t believe that. Maybe not they haven’t yet. Someday you’ll find the one who won’t try to change you, and you will be proven wrong.

    • Karen Schertz says:

      That was supposed to say maybe they just haven’t yet….or maybe not yet. Either way, you know what I mean. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t make it so.

      • cjromb says:

        It’s just a snapshot of a momentary feeling in time. I don’t believe myself unworthy. I do believe it’s true that I’m not someone everyone can deal with. The same may likely be true of nearly all of us…especially if we’re being who we truly are.

  3. Wendye McGehee says:

    CJ… I’m at a loss for words… All I can say is that I am in tears after reading this… Speaks to the deepest places in my soul, sister… I love your writing… but this one holds a special place in my heart…

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