How Is My Dad?

How’s my Dad?  You wonder. I wonder, too.  The truth is, I won’t know until later, until the time comes when all I can do to see this is look back in time from my future to now.

How am I? I don’t know that either.  But I suppose my answer must be the same.

I do not know.  I cannot know.  And when I do have a moment of knowing, things change, and it changes me, so I don’t know anymore. 

I’m on a ride I’m not sure I’d have chosen, but I know I would refuse to get off.

It is better than I’d hoped, yet  worse than I had feared it might be.  But I cannot leave and I’m in no great hurry for things to be any different than they were in that last moment, in this moment now, even though I don’t know how they are.

I do know some things.  I love my son for being on this ride with me.  I ache for my Dad because he’s the reason we’ve driven here to ride along as far as we can go.

And I do know that I am so grateful for the ones who take care of a man they don’t know, because they, unlike me, know exactly how he is.

They know because they know him in a way I don’t.  They know, because they’ve seen so many of him get on and off this ride before him.

I bet if I ask them, they know how I am, too. They’ve seen as many versions of me as they’ve seen of my Dad.  They know I am frightened, but still hopeful.  

They know I’m along for a ride I don’t want to be on, and they know I won’t give up and get off.

They take care of my Dad, and they take care of me while I struggle to figure out these answers.

For now, though, I am tired.  So I need to give up trying to figure out how I am, how he is, how my son is.  We’re all here for the moments, we won’t give up or get off the ride, however rocky it turns out to be.   And that’s probably about all we can know for now.

~ cj 2012.05.10

This entry was posted in Essay and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to How Is My Dad?

  1. Dee says:

    I never had a chance to say goodbye. Relish the moments.

  2. Rick says:

    It’s a ride to a known destination. What varies is the people and twists in the story. The people that are caring for your dad know the end, but not the story, or the timing of the elements. These times are precious, you learn so much. Much of it is a dull haunting ache, some of it is lighter in tone. Learning ab0ut yourself, your loved ones, and others around you is part of the story too.
    Seek the shared bright “points of light” that you can, to save and treasure forever. You are doing a fabulous job putting all these thoughts on paper, in a difficult time. Go with the flow, smile when you can, laugh if it is possible, spread cheer and good will, it will help to know you gave your best, when it was needed.
    And you are taking moments for yourself, to help rebalance, bless you.

  3. cindy mccaa says:

    CJ. My heart pours out love to you, your father and your loving son. The time we have with our elders can never be replaced. Live in the moments as I know You are, cherish the time and know that courage will show up along the way when you least expect it. I do believe in You.

    Almost an education itself inswhat you are a part of now. The changes of things, the realignment of life. However painful, however raw, relish in it as it is what you have now. I know You are.

    The life of a man is worth so much more than the life itself. I say to you my Friend, Chin Up and you know where I am if I can do anything at all to comfort.

    I do love you


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *