I let your feeder go dry
I let you go hungry
I wanted you to find food
somewhere else

I want you
and your hunger
to go away.
I’ve got no heart
left here to feed you.

He loved you
He fed your hunger
I never cared
That’s what I believed
That’s what I told you
Like I was showing him
by not feeding you.

I took a picture
I made a movie
of all he abandoned
including your
empty feeder.

I looked closely at it back then
and still I ignored your hunger

All that work
Boiling water
Adding sugar
And the red
so you’d know
there was food

I need a chair
To reach it
I’d have to clean
all the grime
and fill it

I wanted you to see you were
beating yourself senseless
trying to satisfy your hunger
by pleading to someone
with a heart of stone

But now, something new
began humming
in my life
in my heart
I am not sure what

Perhaps being out with the flowers
Or Thud, your red cardinal friend
beating on my window
while you flew around
beating your hungry wings again.

I relented.
I want the hunger to go away.

I breathed in deep
and set about the work of it.

One cup of sugar
to four of water.
I set it to boil and forgot,
but Thud came back
to remind me.

It’s cooling now
And soon I will
make my way outside
to your feeder.
It would be a shame to stop now.

I can hear your wings beating
Hungry for what’s coming
Hungry for the beautiful sweet life
you used to have

I understand.

Perhaps as my new spring unfolds
what I believe is that if I feed you
I will be feeding myself.

I want the hunger to go away.

~ cj 2012.03.29

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