I chose, on purpose, during my darkest times, that love was the path I wanted to travel.
I’ve chosen this over and over, even though choosing that wasn’t always easy. I knew how hard it would be. I knew I would lose as often or even more often, than I won.
But I spent too much of my life around others who didn’t risk, who lived in fear, who didn’t know how to love.
They were in constant pain, too. They weren’t avoiding pain by choosing to wall their hearts off. They just suffered another kind of constant pain, without any of the joy that love brings.
I love with my whole heart, and when the love ends, no matter the reason it ends, I’m devastated with my whole heart, too.
I just sink into both of them fully. There is a gift and a beauty in both the love and the pain.
I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way, even when the moments of loss and pain make me feel like my heart is being ripped out.
The moments of joy, and the amazing warmth of connection carry me through to the other side of my darkest moments, when I can reopen myself to new love again.
And that love I lost? Those memories? They are still in my heart, waiting for me to heal, so I can enjoy them.
Eventually the pain those memories bring up at first, gets replaced by the warm glow of the beauty they held when I was part of their moments.
I want to look back on my life and no matter what else has happened and no matter what else I’ve done or not done, I want to be able to say “I loved deeply, and I was loved in return.”
~ cj 2016.01.11