Ironic Backstory

I’ll bet this guy got talked into this, hoping to impress his sorta new girlfriend, or if it turned into the perfect day, to get laid.

Can you hear her? “Come on honey. No one will see your face. It will be a great memory, and I won’t tell any of the guys in the league.”

It was already eye-roll bait enough when he’d thought she just wanted a romantic walk on the beach so they could talk about their relationship.

He was kicking himself. WHY did he put that in his online profile? He never expected he’d have to follow through. And didn’t EVERY guy use that line?

He’d agreed to go, partially because he didn’t want to look like a callous liar. But mostly he was hoping she’d settle in to tanning her hide in the blistering sun, while alternately napping or reading her latest bullshit romance novel. Those ridiculous books often backed him into a corner. But at least she’d be busy day-dreaming and he’d get an opportunity to pee in the ocean and surf like he was 20 again. He was sure he still had it in him.

Maybe he could find some interesting creatures to mess with, now that he had this new underwater mask. He’d had to pay extra for the prescription lenses, and he wanted to try them out.

He could build sand castles and then get her to bury him, covering everything with sand so completely it would take weeks to vacuum it all out of the car.

He thought, “Cover everything except my love stick, that is.” He snickered, imagining it poking up like a flag, surely impressing her with his virility, as he lay claim to his temporary turf in the surf.

And, as a bonus, if the day went well, he’d get credit for time spent together on what she wanted to do.

But now this stupid photography shoot. His arms hurt from holding them like that. Just how many pictures did they need to take?

You know, he didn’t expect her to be perfect, like the scripty font on this graphic said. Hell, he knew he wasn’t always such a prize either.

And he supposed he didn’t mind this too much, as long as it wasn’t all they did today. He adjusted his feet, and leaned out in a half-hearted attempt to make half a heart with his arms again, waiting for this duty to end.

As he stood there, though, he started thinking it over. Slowly, he began to suspect he’d been played for the fool he likely was. A photographer, walking up to them, cooing over how perfect they were for each other, flattering him into this ridiculous pose…he didn’t think this was as random as his new girl claimed.

His first clue that he’d been purposely bamboozled?

Last night, she’d packed them both for the beach, without guilting him into a bit of help. Instead of being alarmed at this uncharacteristic move, he’d shrugged and finished watching the game. But now, ha! He sees this ruse for what it is. He might be a fool, but even HE wouldn’t have forgotten the tap for the kegger and the bonfire matches.

~ cj 2013.05.29

Ironic Backstory: I find it quite likely the man was asked to be something he wasn’t, specifically for the purposes of taking this picture…he wasn’t “perfect” enough just peeing in the ocean and pretending he could still surf.