I am your heart, and I love you dearly. You can feel me in your chest nearly all the time. I beat like crazy when you run. I know I wake you with panic often in the night. I soar and race when you get excited, and I roar in your ears and melt in your chest when I love, and I am open to love.
I’ve been broken more times than you can likely bear to recall. And each time it happens, even more now, I burn you like acid from your ears to your knees. When I’m damaged, I grip your whole body so tightly, I squeeze the air out in gulps from your lungs, and force tears to pour from your eyes.
I’ve been broken so many times just this year….may I admit? I’ve begun to wonder if I can take breaking much more.
The moment I wonder this, I rise up on behalf of myself. I insist, right through my pain, that I will be okay. I promise I am getting stronger, and sometimes pain is the only path there. I am learning, I cry. I am feeling, alive. I implore you to be patient, to breathe and give me space for my growth. I am not trying to hurt you. I am trying to be larger than life. I want to stand tall, so the gift of your love can matter in the way you tell me you want it to.
I remind you strongly, and get every fiber in your body to agree that I have loved fully and completely many times. I know how to do this well. You know I do. And if you allow me to grow stronger and wiser, my ability to love and receive love will grow, too.
I beg you to believe, in between beatings that I know leave you wailing on the kitchen floor at midnight, that the privilege of giving and receiving love is worth every tear of heartbreak you pay, even in those moments of darkness when you can’t find the light.
You know, I see that you know…..that if I love, and you lose, if you can’t let me learn, if you won’t allow me to love again, if you pull back, I will no longer be broken.
That is true. I will not be broken; I will be destroyed. And because I am all that keeps you alive, you will die, too.
I dare to whisper to you, please remember that each of us is a gift, including you. And if you don’t leave me open, I cannot help you give your gifts. I offer that just maybe, if you keep the door open to the pain we are in, you can help others, which is yours and my wholehearted desire. It is not easy, I know, to let others witness your raw, naked shame. But do you not see, I ask you softly, that you are helping another bear their own heart’s beating pain when you do?
And more assuredly I promise, if you leave me open for that one special heart, I will reach out, I will heal and uphold another with all the beauty I can possibly offer.
I know I cannot always control if I hurt you. I cannot always know what will be my gift or your gift to another heart. And I know I am not always able to choose the right heart. Sometimes I have given you to a heart who does not keep you safe from harm. But I swear each time I am hurt and you ache, I am committed to learning and growing for you.
You cannot allow another person whose heart is also in pain, to destroy me. You cannot resist loving all in when you see another doing the same. I am the life force that moves your blood through your body, and you must see that you need me.
So I beg of you, while I’m growing, even though I know I have buckled your knees, please don’t close the door on me. Do not shrivel in and shut down. Please find a way to open up and I know other hearts will hold you close.
You and I have been through fire and now here we are. I know you’re in pain, and I ache knowing I am the cause. But please don’t leave me. Because I am your heart, and I love you dearly.
~ cj 2011.09.08