My Heart (felt) Manifesto

I am your heart, and I love you dearly. You can feel me in your chest nearly all the time. I beat like crazy when you run. I know I wake you with panic often in the night. I soar and race when you get excited, and I roar in your ears and melt in your chest when I love, and I am open to love.

I’ve been broken more times than you can likely bear to recall. And each time it happens, even more now, I burn you like acid from your ears to your knees. When I’m damaged, I grip your whole body so tightly, I squeeze the air out in gulps from your lungs, and force tears to pour from your eyes.

I’ve been broken so many times just this year….may I admit? I’ve begun to wonder if I can take breaking much more.

The moment I wonder this, I rise up on behalf of myself. I insist, right through my pain, that I will be okay. I promise I am getting stronger, and sometimes pain is the only path there. I am learning, I cry. I am feeling, alive. I implore you to be patient, to breathe and give me space for my growth. I am not trying to hurt you. I am trying to be larger than life. I want to stand tall, so the gift of your love can matter in the way you tell me you want it to.

I remind you strongly, and get every fiber in your body to agree that I have loved fully and completely many times. I know how to do this well. You know I do. And if you allow me to grow stronger and wiser, my ability to love and receive love will grow, too.

I beg you to believe, in between beatings that I know leave you wailing on the kitchen floor at midnight, that the privilege of giving and receiving love is worth every tear of heartbreak you pay, even in those moments of darkness when you can’t find the light.

You know, I see that you know…..that if I love, and you lose, if you can’t let me learn, if you won’t allow me to love again, if you pull back, I will no longer be broken.

That is true. I will not be broken; I will be destroyed. And because I am all that keeps you alive, you will die, too.

I dare to whisper to you, please remember that each of us is a gift, including you. And if you don’t leave me open, I cannot help you give your gifts. I offer that just maybe, if you keep the door open to the pain we are in, you can help others, which is yours and my wholehearted desire. It is not easy, I know, to let others witness your raw, naked shame. But do you not see, I ask you softly, that you are helping another bear their own heart’s beating pain when you do?

And more assuredly I promise, if you leave me open for that one special heart, I will reach out, I will heal and uphold another with all the beauty I can possibly offer.

I know I cannot always control if I hurt you. I cannot always know what will be my gift or your gift to another heart. And I know I am not always able to choose the right heart. Sometimes I have given you to a heart who does not keep you safe from harm. But I swear each time I am hurt and you ache, I am committed to learning and growing for you.

You cannot allow another person whose heart is also in pain, to destroy me. You cannot resist loving all in when you see another doing the same. I am the life force that moves your blood through your body, and you must see that you need me.

So I beg of you, while I’m growing, even though I know I have buckled your knees, please don’t close the door on me. Do not shrivel in and shut down. Please find a way to open up and I know other hearts will hold you close.

You and I have been through fire and now here we are. I know you’re in pain, and I ache knowing I am the cause. But please don’t leave me. Because I am your heart, and I love you dearly.

~ cj 2011.09.08

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14 Responses to My Heart (felt) Manifesto

  1. Rick says:

    Never quit, never stop. Everything is interconnected, the whole is more than the sum of the parts.
    Listen, and Live, and Love. Sweet take-away.

  2. Karen Schertz says:

    Heartbreakingly (pun intended) sad to begin with, but seems to end more hopefully. I love that. Keep your heart open.

    • cjromb says:

      I absolutely intend to. I realized today with a clarity I’ve never had before, that closing down, choosing not to love again, like I witnessed another heart do, would destroy me. I will not do that to my heart. No other heart is worth killing mine for.

  3. Kevin Schertz says:

    Ah a soul that is healing. Its a beautiful thing actually, even though it does not FEEL like it when endured by “self”

    • cjromb says:

      No. Kidding. Especially at midnight on my knees wailing in my kitchen. But the moments move on, the sun rises again. And this morning I am breathing a little more oxygen in.

  4. jeffrey harris says:

    I like the way that started very down then rose up to pick yourself up then reflected.

  5. Suzanne Mann says:

    Wow! Beautiful! However, my heart has lost the battle with my mind…I am no longer desiring, anticipating, looking. I have chosen to live without love, and to be content with the magnitude of that choice.

    • cjromb says:

      Suzanne, that breaks MY heart. I realized today that if I allow heartbreak to win, I allow whoever did it to destroy me. Everywhere I go, I go with my whole heart. If I can allow myself to ache through this, I can soar again. Maybe next time I will be hurt again. Maybe I will be hurt on and off for the rest of my life. To me, the amazing feeling of being loved is worth it.

      I think the trick is to learn how to find the right fit, and how to be the right fit, and how to move your heart out of danger when you know it’s wrong. Because the truth is, we almost always know. Rarely is our heartbreak a surprise.

      I also get that each of us has to make our own choices. I’ve been close to someone who has chosen NOT to allow that love to thrive because the risk for him is too great. Perhaps I am foolish in believing I can live through it. But after everything else I’ve lived through this year, I have to, for now, continue to try.

      The jury’s out, though, and likely I will feel differently tomorrow. Thanx for letting me comment back. And thanx for reading. *I* Love You if that helps any. 🙂

  6. Gail Hite Cua says:

    So you came a long way with that one..as the muscle grows larger and stronger, you offer words to others in despair……you are further along than you know…beautiful…

    • cjromb says:

      I realized if I do not let myself love again, I have allowed the best part of me to be destroyed. My work isn’t to learn how to close myself down. My work is to learn how to be the right woman to open myself up to the right man at the right moment. And if I make a mistake again, I will rise up again and repeat.

      I will love hard, and hopefully next time I will love just a bit smarter.

      In the meantime, I will wait for you to come here so we can ponder the meaning of life on my back deck.

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