Staying Still In Front Of A Hill

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I am staying still in the dark silence,
alone,
looking at nothing but an up hill,
covered by an empty sky.

After so much disappointment,
I am not sure I believe anymore
what I’ve always believed;
that what matters,
what’s beautiful in life,
must live just on the other side of where I am now;

and that I will absolutely find it,
if only I have the strength to let go of my fear,
if only I have the will to keep searching.

It is so very late,
and I have grown tired of all this hunger,
and the loss I’ve suffered on my journey.

I am sick of working this hard
to reach what I think is the top of a hill,
only to find myself wiped out,
and staring angrily at so much waste,
or incredulously at yet
another blasted hill.

So I hesitate.
Who can blame me?
Me, full of let’s go and always on the move;
I stay still where I am.
I am weary.

And this feels like such a big hill, why now?

I hesitate.
And I keep hesitating.

I stay still for so long, I fear I can not move again.
I stay still for so long, I suspect I’ve given up.
I stay still and I wait
and I wait.

What else is there to do
when I am this weary and so lost?

I stay still and quiet in the dark,
and I am afraid of this,
but I will confess,
I start to prefer staying still

I stay still and quiet in the dark,
and although I am afraid
of what will become of me
if this is true,

I will confess,
that I begin to prefer staying still

…so I stay still and I watch.

I stay still for so long,
that my eyes adjust,
and I begin to see in the dark.

Do I see?…I blink…I do see!

Is it possible?
What matters, what’s beautiful,
is right here, all around me?

How did I miss this?
But Wait.
What if I am playing a game on myself?
What if there’s not really beauty,
What if I’m choosing to believe I’ve found what matters,
because it is easier than moving again.

I am not sure what to do with these thoughts,
so I stay still some more.

I stay still for so long,
that my heart opens to the possibility
that the reason it’s beautiful where I am,
the reason I think what matters is right here,
is specifically because that’s what I’ve decided to believe.

If I believe it’s beautiful, it is.
If I believe I have what matters all around me, I do.
My happiness doesn’t depend on anything
other than deciding to find meaning and beauty,
to truly love, exactly where I am
even when I’m standing in front of a big old hill.

I have finally, finally found
what I’ve been searching for all this time,
by staying still until I accepted
what was always right there for me to see;
that what matters is what I decide matters.

As I stand here, in the silence
alone,
it doesn’t seem so dark anymore.

And I even think I have the strength to move.

So I have decided to climb the hill in front of me after all.
But not as before, because I was searching.
Not as before, because I believed I had nothing where I was,
but instead, because I have nothing to lose.

I already have what matters under my feet,
in my heart and all around me,
because that’s where I’ve decided
to find beauty in my life.

Up the hill I go,
without all the weight of that longing.
Up the hill I go,
just for the grand adventure of seeing
what’s on the other side.

Hey, maybe I’ll get lucky,
and find another beautiful hill
to stay still in front of for awhile.

~ cj 2014.05.27

Here’s the uncropped wide version of the same photo
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This entry was posted in Essay, Photography, Poetry, Writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Staying Still In Front Of A Hill

  1. Steven says:

    I’m glad you found the will to climb this hill. I wanna see the other side too. I absolutely love the rocks. I’d have to try. & jump from one to another or just sit on one and admire the view. It looks peaceful. Thanks for sharing your time is not wasted. Many of us here look forward to your poems, pictures & the smiles you bring to our face. 🙂

  2. Morine says:

    “what matters is what I decide matters”

    EUREKA!!!!!!! xo

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