Whole Enough

I am not whole in the way
I view you to be.

I cannot yet
sit
still
and allow

simply being

to wash over me.

Although I can,
I do not like to stand
on my own,
isolated,
uncomfortable,
alone.

I do not like it,
even though I receive gifts from it
every time.
Gifts are there
when I experience and accept,
and gifts are there
when I wiggle, squirm, cry, rebel.

I am uncomfortably easy
with those who are searching
in the way I am that day.

And when I dare to look,
I cannot miss
how deliberately
I sometimes choose
to be with those
who declare it all foolish,
because they won’t dare to look.

I am not yet able
to get all I need from inside myself
even though I see it is there,
just on the other side of now.

But in those moments
when I am not angry with me
for failing to be whole,
I am slowly falling in love
with who I am discovering
myself to be.

I am richly textured and openly colorful.
I am often fearless and chase wildly after
any chance to learn and experience,

even when it aches deeply
and especially when
it might make me laugh
until my sides ache.

I am starting over
unexpectedly,
and I am learning
to embrace it
with gusto.

I am alive,
and full of hope.

I am trying my best
every moment
of each day to be
present and
whole.

And yet,
I feel unsteady,
and I apologize for my clumsiness
at life,

because I have all that,
I am all that,
and I am clearly on my way….

but I don’t feel whole
like I view you to be.

I do see it right there, though,
just on the other side of now,
because I am at least whole enough
to know these two things:

No one is completely whole,
even when I view them to be.

And I am whole enough for now
because I know this.

~ cj 2014.02.09