it’s raining
and it’s my heart’s desire
as it has always been
to protect you
even now
when it’s far too late

so i rush out to your grave
to cover it in plastic
i put rocks on it
to hold down the plastic
and worry just a little
about how heavy they are

and while i’m there
i lay down on the mound
that holds you
in its depths
and i pretend
that i’m laying
by your side
like i did
just four weeks ago

the part of me
that refuses to accept
what has happened
also worries
that you’re maybe hot
or thirsty
or lonely
out here on your own

and while i’m lying there
i worry about me
just a little, too
how long will i keep trying
to protect you
from things that can’t
possibly harm you anymore

is this worry
so desperate
because i failed
to protect you
from the harm
that’s now left you
out in the rain
and me helpless to
ever protect you
from anything again
no matter the strength of
my worry?

~ cj 2004.08.21

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