Good Boy

frightened boy
kneeling in obedience
until your freckled knees bled
while they committed their sins
to your tender bare flesh

biting your lips
and hating your tears
and heading
right
straight
to hell
every
single
time
for doubting God’s plan
and their right to hurt you.

over and over they lashed you
you damn little brat
filling your sassy mouth
with lava-grit soap
and pulling your ears
until you shut-the-hell-up
with that begging for mercy
and listened for once
to the righteous wrongs
of their anger

you sacrificial black lamb
you’d better just take the whippings
they judged you had coming
and let them pummel you into piety
with their insatiable blame.

they were forced to slap you in secret
and shame you in public
because how could you be so naughty
you hardened heart heathen
that you deserved this
for making them hate
their own wretched lives

and then look what you did
you little man-baby
you lost control of yourself
when they made you wait

why didn’t you go
when they told you to
and where did you come up with
such a piss poor excuse

all you have to say
for your sorry self is
that for once
for just a few moments
you dared to forget and have fun?

how stupid could you have possibly been.

how many times do they have to beat some sense into you
before
you
catch on
that you’d better never let that happen again
you bad bad boy.

you swear you don’t know the reasons
your prayers go unanswered
but you promise
with everything you have
forever and ever
to try harder next time.

And by God,
you’re a man of your word,
so you’re going to spend
every
moment
of the life you were given
if that’s what it takes
to learn how to be
that good boy
and that good man
they know damn good and well
you’ll never be.

and that’s where you are
my childhood friend,
when I find you again
a long lifetime later

kneeling under the weight
of everyone else’s wounds
while your own heart bleeds
from paying for all those sins
you’ve learned the hard way
must somehow be your fault
waiting patiently for
some sign of forgiveness
for all you couldn’t possibly have done wrong.

and trying every moment,
just like you promised
to be that
good boy
they’ve damaged you so much
you don’t even realize

you
already
always
were.

~ cj 2014.01.26

My lifetime later friend,
I will hold you in my heart
with everything I have
forever and ever
because that is all you will let me do
to make up for what has gone wrong.

I can never forgive them
for what they did to you
and I hope someday you heal enough
from a lifetime of the punishing damage
they did to your tender heart
that you can believe
you deserve to be always loved.