I Am The Boss

********
I Trusted You
********

I trusted you.
I opened my eyes
my heart
my mouth
my arms
my body
my legs

I trusted you
when you promised
you wouldn’t
that you
truly wouldn’t.

I believed between us
that no meant no
and yes meant yes

But in the most
intimate of moments,
when I let you near
my vulnerable center
you ruthlessly
violated that trust.

You did what you wanted to do
directly against
what you promised you wouldn’t
directly against
what you knew I didn’t want
without conversation
without consent
without care.

You tried to force me to do
what you wanted
not to pleasure me
but to hurt me
for your own satisfaction.

Maybe you didn’t break laws,
but you violated the rules
of your world that
finds pleasure in pain
and you violated
all boundaries
I trusted we had
because I don’t belong
to that world.

I fought you like crazy
trying to stop you
all the while
trying to make light of it
even laughing
in unbelieving shock
could this be happening?

My body was
thankful for working out
thankful for piano lessons
thankful for my strong hands
my strong arms
my strong legs
which served me
with all their might.

…while all the way
on my inside
I was truly afraid
and completely
hope-broken
for a future with you.

Perhaps that’s
what you wanted.
I cannot know.
I cannot care.

You finally gave up
when you weren’t getting
your way
because it wasn’t fun
for you anymore.

What was it in me
in that moment
that didn’t flee
that still tried to
find ways to please you
even though that
hurt me for days, too.

What was it in me
that sought comfort
right back in your arms
that night,
the next morning
for the pain
the fear,
the sadness
you caused in me?

Already then
when it happened
I was angry
I was hurt
I was confused

I asked you
why would you do this?
and you told me
laughing at your
very own joke
that you were the boss.

******************
I Am The Boss
******************
I have news for you
and for anyone who
foolishly believes
they can control me.

You are not
and will never be
the boss of me.

I am not a
challenge for you
to force into submission
when I’m at my most
vulnerable.

You will not force me
into anything
without my consent
without asking
my preference
without caring
about my desires.

I am uniquely me
a person
worthy of love
and respect
when we go out
or when I grace you
by being intimately
vulnerably, openly
yours.

You will not force me
to be anything
other than me
and still have the
pleasure of
my company.

I may confuse you
because in some moment
I may laugh from shock
or seek refuge from pain
in your arms
when you’ve wronged me.

But soon enough
I will wake up.
I will re-assume charge
and remain firmly
the only boss of me.

I am in control of me
and I will not
surrender myself
to anyone who violates me
for his pleasure.

I am the boss of my body;
I am the boss of my arms
and my legs.
I am the boss of
my intimate beauty.

I am the boss
of my heart,
my mind,
my life.

***********
I Will Never Be The Same
***********

I left you
and on the long hot road home
my eyes opened wide
seeing the painful truth
I’d slammed them shut to
while the rest of me closed up
piece by piece.

My intimate openness
is no longer yours.
My legs, my arms are closed.
My mouth, my body,
closed.

My head is closed
and finally,
painfully,
I’m closing my heart to you.

It’s taking a few days
to feel better again.
I was in pain
in a lot of ways
I still am.

I don’t understand why
you sacrificed the beauty
the connection
the fun we had
for this moment of
sheer selfishness

and I may never.

What I do know is that
I am back in charge
of my life.

What I do know is that
I will never be the same again
for trusting you.

~ cj 2012.06.08

I had three main things to say in this piece:
I trusted you
I’m the boss of me
I’ll never be the same

It took me awhile in the piece to express everything I had to say, but these three sentiments are all part of the same statement, so I want the piece to stay together. I’ve titled it with the middle piece’s name, because this is the strongest theme to me.

I hope you’ll let me say a bit more…

I have been on a definite journey for the past 18 months to figure out exactly who I am, find the path that fulfills me, make intimate connections with friends, and maybe one day, with a special significant other. I promised myself I would do this with grace, an open, inquisitive mind, a passionate heart, and as much consideration and respect for others as possible. I promised myself I would not build walls to falsely protect against a broken heart. I promised myself I would not be cynical or judgmental either.

I also promised myself that I would not continue any relationships where I wasn’t treated with respect, accepted for who I am, or nurtured and admired for my talents. And I promised myself that I would not modify what I believed in, how I interacted, what I chose, or what I expressed to fit with another, no matter how much someone meant to me in some moment.

Some of these promises haven’t turned out to be that easy to keep. But in order to honor myself, in order to make this journey worth it, I’ve found I have to be okay with making tough choices, with having my heart broken, with walking away, with feeling lost, with being alone. In the moments when it’s happening, the walk can be brutal. But looking back, I’m always grateful for the experience and can clearly see what I’ve learned.

So…I realized through the experience I’m talking about in this piece, that honoring myself, without modifications that don’t fit me, is going to be lifelong challenge for me. But I am committed to being the boss of me, as I clearly state in this piece. And each time I find the strength to stand up and express this, even when I’m clumsy about it, I realize I’ll never be the same…I’ll never be the same because of the heartache I’ve experienced. And I’ll never be the same because I’ve grown by standing my ground and moving forward on my journey.