It Left Me Room

At first
a hole opened up
in my evenings
at the time
you used to call,
yawning,
stretching out
wide open empty,
keeping me awake.

It left room
and time
to reflect
alone in the dark,
to sink into the truth
of how cruel you’d gotten
even though
you’d caused the rift
that gaped the hole
wide open.

At first
my phone was
so loudly silent
no new pictures
of where you were
no wishes of
good morning
no last good night.

It left room
and time
to re-read those
inaccurate
last messages
disrespectfully
projecting your
issues on me,
rooted firmly
in double standards
that left me
spinning dizzy
with confusion.

It left room
for a few days to go by,
until this morning
when my nightmares
got mixed with awake,
and I dreamed
you came back
wanting me again.

In that early dawn,
struggling between
here and unconscious,
something sad
and small
and slightly sick in me
took you back.

At first
when I awoke
from that,
I found myself
clawing out of
a horror hole,
my heart
hammering
with the fear
this could be true.

But as the sun rose
it opened my eyes,
the shining light
erasing what
was never real anyway
in my nightmare
or in my life,
filling the hole
with peaceful silence
and leaving me
the time and the room
in my heart
for whatever beauty
is waiting
to fill my life.

~ cj 2012.06.20