Ah, it’s been such a long time
since I’ve seen you here.
How are you?
How have you been?
Oh, good, good.
Just fine.
Going well.
In fact, things
are looking
magnificently up.
I feign earnest
and glance upward
as if magnificently
were actually up there
shining down on me.
I must be going now
I chirp.
I hear this come
from my mouth,
as I begin to slide away
averting my eyes
to the side
so I don’t catch myself.
The Chirp & Slide
I think.
I should make up a dance.
and off my thoughts race,
beating me out the door.
But I won’t let me go.
I stand in my way
and lean straight into
my own line of sight.
And then I continue to speak
while glaring
right
at
me.
Oh, is this so?
Do tell me more.
What have you been up to?
I’m curious where
you’ve been keeping yourself.
I looked for a spell,
but couldn’t find you.
Well, that’s the question,
isn’t it.
What have I been doing?
I begin to think
I’ve cornered myself,
which makes a
prickly sweat rise.
I don’t want to lie
like I’ve been doing
for so long.
So I pause.
And I decide
I’ll tell the truth.
Why not?
I shrug.
There’s a good chance
I won’t hear,
or if I do,
most likely
I won’t care.
You see…
here’s the thing…
…I squirm.
…I clear my throat.
yes, yes, do go on.
Well,
I’ve been so very busy
spending nearly every moment
for quite some time now,
especially it seems
again lately
just doing what
little I can…
And then I quickly whisper…
…(not to give up.)
I try not to slouch
as if some dignity
will help this along
and then,
while I stand there
helplessly failing
to contain myself,
some foolish bravery
blurts out the rest…
…but I’m very often
nearly certain
and to be honest
unspeakably frightened
that it’s going to take
far more to stop myself
from it
than I have left to give.
And then I flee
from the truth
I just told
while I’m still frozen
in the looking glass
eyes wide
mouth open,
from the shock of
the truth I just heard
coming from me.
Perhaps I shouldn’t
have asked.
~ cj 2013.11.28
I have had similar thoughts, but not near as well articulated. The introspection is killer.
Good stuff, Siege.
Thx Paul. This one showed up fast, but I was almost uncomfortable publishing it. I suppose that’s when I can tell I’ve been honest. I’m glad you liked it.
Love the grappling with self – it made me comfortable with me more and with others who are so alike….
Loved this piece
Thx for reading it! 🙂 I’m glad you liked it.
I don’t know you that well except for here & fb. CJ I think you’ve got more to give than you know. You’ve come so far just in the time I’ve been your friend & you give us/ your friends insight into your life with pictures, music, & poems that make us all smile. Thanks for giving so freely of yourself. 🙂
Awww, you made snot bubble out of my nose cuz your comment made me all slobbery sad/happy. Haha. Okay, not really; I blew my nose before I started blubbering.
But it really DOES touch me a lot to know you read and look at all the stuff I put out. It’s pretty hard to gauge progress really, and there are far too many times I feel helplessly hopelessly stuck where I’m at. I keep thinking I’ll make big progress soon, but I suppose it’s just going to have to happen in baby steps, eh?
Thx again my friend. <3
Yw CJ & thank you.
Self-examination is much easier to dodge than to face. Asking “How are you?” to the looking glass takes brutal courage if one is to answer with honesty. You posit, “Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked.” I personally think, by asking that question, you’re turning a corner. You’re opening your eyes. You’re realizing that it’s time to shit or get off the pot. Call it a crossroads, call it facing Life and moving forward, but after all the stuff and nonsense that’s happened to you during the last several years, you’re realizing that being stagnant and aimless isn’t getting you anywhere. I think you have plenty left to give. Look at all the book ideas and GoGordy ideas you have, for starters. I think the problem might be, you have so many ideas and none of them are prioritized. Try this: Make a brief list of the creative things you want to do. Then, using your own criteria, put them in order of importance. Don’t take 3 hours to do it, either! Then tackle the item at the top of the list with everything you’ve got. And yes, it may take baby steps. But at least you’ll be focusing and the steps will be moving you forward. (or maybe i don’t know squat…) xo