Quiet Surprise

It’s quiet in here
as I let the decision ‘not to’
sink in.

I don’t hear a solitary peep
and certainly not the roaring of chaotic thoughts
I imagined would come barreling through
all jumbled in my head from
a yes
or as it turned out,
a ‘no’.

The truth is,
settling back into myself,
my head knew long
before the call came in
that he wouldn’t decide,

and so it knew
what my decision had to be.

It knew,
because, despite all this time,
I know him
and his dance of indecision
that well.

Let’s not lie,
let’s not make believe
that I don’t understand why
my head is not surprised.

All his signs of
“I’m too afraid”
were there,
screaming contradicting red,
despite his misleading
“I’m leaning towards”
with which he’d teased me
bright and hopeful green.

I will admit,
my heart tried overruling my head
working to fill it with foolish hope,
hope of a change
brought to him by the
wakeful hand of passing time,

hope of a change
forced through him
by the sharp needle of regret
from his first loss of me
for avoiding decisions,
and for paving
our path with lies
and misdirection.

I hoped I’d still find
moments remaining
where I could be
surprised
by decisions
from him.

But today,
this decision,
left me calmly confirmed
that perhaps the only
surprising thing here
is the change in me,
the unexpected quiet
I’ve found nestled
sweetly and safely inside me
now that the waiting is over
and I’ve let this decision ‘not to’
sink in.

~ cj 2012.10.31