Staying Still In Front Of A Hill

I am staying still in the dark silence,
alone,
looking at nothing but an up hill,
covered by an empty sky.

After so much disappointment,
I am not sure I believe anymore
what I’ve always believed;
that what matters,
what’s beautiful in life,
must live just on the other side of where I am now;

and that I will absolutely find it,
if only I have the strength to let go of my fear,
if only I have the will to keep searching.

It is so very late,
and I have grown tired of all this hunger,
and the loss I’ve suffered on my journey.

I am sick of working this hard
to reach what I think is the top of a hill,
only to find myself wiped out,
and staring angrily at so much waste,
or incredulously at yet
another blasted hill.

So I hesitate.
Who can blame me?
Me, full of let’s go and always on the move;
I stay still where I am.
I am weary.

And this feels like such a big hill, why now?

I hesitate.
And I keep hesitating.

I stay still for so long, I fear I can not move again.
I stay still for so long, I suspect I’ve given up.
I stay still and I wait
and I wait.

What else is there to do
when I am this weary and so lost?

I stay still and quiet in the dark,
and I am afraid of this,
but I will confess,
I start to prefer staying still

I stay still and quiet in the dark,
and although I am afraid
of what will become of me
if this is true,

I will confess,
that I begin to prefer staying still

…so I stay still and I watch.

I stay still for so long,
that my eyes adjust,
and I begin to see in the dark.

Do I see?…I blink…I do see!

Is it possible?
What matters, what’s beautiful,
is right here, all around me?

How did I miss this?
But Wait.
What if I am playing a game on myself?
What if there’s not really beauty,
What if I’m choosing to believe I’ve found what matters,
because it is easier than moving again.

I am not sure what to do with these thoughts,
so I stay still some more.

I stay still for so long,
that my heart opens to the possibility
that the reason it’s beautiful where I am,
the reason I think what matters is right here,
is specifically because that’s what I’ve decided to believe.

If I believe it’s beautiful, it is.
If I believe I have what matters all around me, I do.
My happiness doesn’t depend on anything
other than deciding to find meaning and beauty,
to truly love, exactly where I am
even when I’m standing in front of a big old hill.

I have finally, finally found
what I’ve been searching for all this time,
by staying still until I accepted
what was always right there for me to see;
that what matters is what I decide matters.

As I stand here, in the silence
alone,
it doesn’t seem so dark anymore.

And I even think I have the strength to move.

So I have decided to climb the hill in front of me after all.
But not as before, because I was searching.
Not as before, because I believed I had nothing where I was,
but instead, because I have nothing to lose.

I already have what matters under my feet,
in my heart and all around me,
because that’s where I’ve decided
to find beauty in my life.

Up the hill I go,
without all the weight of that longing.
Up the hill I go,
just for the grand adventure of seeing
what’s on the other side.

Hey, maybe I’ll get lucky,
and find another beautiful hill
to stay still in front of for awhile.

~ cj 2014.05.27

Here’s the uncropped wide version of the same photo