I found this poem on 3.4.04. It was written on 3.27.01
the only place i can see you,
the only way i can touch you,
the only way we can be there again,
is in my mind.
I remember when you were so small that you fit in a paperbag.
I remember when your whole arm fit in my hand.
I remember you running to me at daycare
each day with your little chubby arms outstretched
to get a great big hug.
I remember your drooly kisses and the way you clung to me
like we were drifting at sea.
I remember how scared you were if you thought I was lost.
In my mind I told myself I could move on to your next day,
your next birthday, your next grade.
I told myself I was anxious for you to grow up,
to be less dependent and needy, so I could be less encumbered.
I loved when you were little, but I loved it as you changed, too.
I got frustrated when it wasn’t fast enough, when you needed me too
much.
There were many times when I realized how fast time was going, and
I wished it to go slower.
But I couldn’t think about it much – it hurt
too deeply to realize how much had gone by.
When you live somewhere precious, but you have to move, you console
yourself by saying “I can always go back there”.
I think I’ve always done that with you.
Only you’re not a place, you’re my son.
And we didn’t move from a place but on in time.
Now the only place I can see you so small,
The only place I can touch the curly hair on your little head,
The only place I can lift you from your chair while
you wrap your legs around me,
The only place I can go where you still need me
and love me
is in my mind.
~ cj 2001.03.27
