Who Am I?

I am in an odd space tonight,
and cannot say what mood I’m in.
If hard pressed,
I couldn’t offer even the
simplest guess
on whether I’m okay or not.

My mind is overflowing.
My heart feels full and empty.
My emotions have me twisted and spinning,
while leaving me quite still
in the eye of the storm.

It’s been like that
since I tried to call my grandma today.
Or did it start last night,
when I realized it was almost Thanksgiving again.
Perhaps it’s been on its way since Friday
or a few months back when I reached out in September.
Or quite possibly several years ago?

Maybe it’s come riding in on the heels of darkness falling so early,
or because I don’t know what to do
with my next moment
or the rest of my life.

Do I care?
I want to believe
that I do,
but right now
from this odd space,
I am not so sure.

I am not so sure
if I know
if I can say
where I am,
what I am,
who I am.

I don’t know.
I know that much.

What I do know
is that I can tell you all this,
and offer no answers.

What I do know is
we can be
still
and sit silently together
not knowing.

You have no need to force me
forward
or back.

I can be me,
loudly silent with you
no matter the odd space I’m in
even when I don’t know
who I am
or what I want to do
with my next moment
or the rest of my life.

~ cj 2012.11.19