Good Boy

frightened boy
kneeling in obedience
until your freckled knees bled
while they committed their sins
to your tender bare flesh

biting your lips
and hating your tears
and heading
right
straight
to hell
every
single
time
for doubting God’s plan
and their right to hurt you.

over and over they lashed you
you damn little brat
filling your sassy mouth
with lava-grit soap
and pulling your ears
until you shut-the-hell-up
with that begging for mercy
and listened for once
to the righteous wrongs
of their anger

you sacrificial black lamb
you’d better just take the whippings
they judged you had coming
and let them pummel you into piety
with their insatiable blame.

they were forced to slap you in secret
and shame you in public
because how could you be so naughty
you hardened heart heathen
that you deserved this
for making them hate
their own wretched lives

and then look what you did
you little man-baby
you lost control of yourself
when they made you wait

why didn’t you go
when they told you to
and where did you come up with
such a piss poor excuse

all you have to say
for your sorry self is
that for once
for just a few moments
you dared to forget and have fun?

how stupid could you have possibly been.

how many times do they have to beat some sense into you
before
you
catch on
that you’d better never let that happen again
you bad bad boy.

you swear you don’t know the reasons
your prayers go unanswered
but you promise
with everything you have
forever and ever
to try harder next time.

And by God,
you’re a man of your word,
so you’re going to spend
every
moment
of the life you were given
if that’s what it takes
to learn how to be
that good boy
and that good man
they know damn good and well
you’ll never be.

and that’s where you are
my childhood friend,
when I find you again
a long lifetime later

kneeling under the weight
of everyone else’s wounds
while your own heart bleeds
from paying for all those sins
you’ve learned the hard way
must somehow be your fault
waiting patiently for
some sign of forgiveness
for all you couldn’t possibly have done wrong.

and trying every moment,
just like you promised
to be that
good boy
they’ve damaged you so much
you don’t even realize

you
already
always
were.

~ cj 2014.01.26

My lifetime later friend,
I will hold you in my heart
with everything I have
forever and ever
because that is all you will let me do
to make up for what has gone wrong.

You are the most “good boy” man
I have ever met.
And I am grateful
that for once, you dared to forget
and chose me to have fun with,
even if only for a moment.

I can never forgive them
for what they did to you
and I hope someday you heal enough
from a lifetime of the punishing damage
they did to your tender heart
that you can believe
you deserve to be always loved.

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3 Responses to Good Boy

  1. Morine says:

    This literally brought me to tears.
    I cannot imagine.
    I simply cannot imagine.
    I cannot imagine that the scars don’t go clear through to the bone.
    I cannot imagine that the heart isn’t so fragile and damaged that all trust has been beat out of it.
    I know you wouldn’t make this up. But how can I even begin to understand that this actually happened to someone?
    I cannot imagine.
    My heart aches tremendously for your friend. He is fortunate to have you in his life.

    • cjromb says:

      I don’t know what to say my sweet friend. There’s a reason why I can tell a story like that, you know? And I’m not in his life anymore. It is pretty sad, and I’m guessing you can tell I’m hurting from all that.

  2. Steve says:

    Wow! That’s really sad. I’m glad he had you to escape with if only for a little while. I’m sure he treasures those memories. It’s sad that certain people feel the need to tear others down not knowing or caring the irreparable damage they’ve done. I pray your friend finds peace within himself. Very nicely done CJ. It was a story that needed telling.

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