Category Archives: 21 And Done

The Miracle of Healing

I have to look quite closely now to find the seam where you carelessly cut me to the bone. You cracked me wide open, letting my guts spill out, exposed to your toxic dirt. Still hungry to hurt me, your … Continue reading

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Never Ever

No one gets to treat me like you did, again, and over again. Not even, especially not, never, ever again, you. ~ cj 2015.02.18 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet … Continue reading

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Disregarded Matter

There are two kinds of people who don’t matter enough to themselves. One of them gives a whole heart away without regard to the cost. The other treats that person’s heart with the same disregard. What a pain-filled matter love … Continue reading

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That Was Easy

Such a simple answer to the coldness on that side of the bed. I have a heated mattress pad. This morning it occurred to me to switch that side of it on, and then slide my hand over there, imagining … Continue reading

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Bleeding Freedom

I picked at myself, mercilessly digging ragged nails deep into my flesh, an endless cycle of scratches and scabs and scars. I needed something, anything, to dig into me deeper than you did. I made everything bleed, little places, small … Continue reading

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I Should Have Known

He said “You should have known.” He’s right, you know. I should have known, because he should have told me. But now I know. I found out on my own. He should have known I would. ~ cj 2013.05.16 Bookmark … Continue reading

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Replaced in 12 Days

I planted a garden this year, taking another step in reclaiming the space my (now ex) husband and I used to share. I wanted to see something growing here. I longed to experience new life again, in a home where … Continue reading

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Until Tomorrow, Whippoorwill

The whippoorwill trills over and over in the night lonely, looking waiting for her to call back to him. Sometimes he hears her and they sing for awhile. Sometimes he gives up and goes to sleep until tomorrow. We used … Continue reading

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Stone, Stone Cold

Today is the first day I’ve written on stone paper. I find it cool to the touch and beautifully soft as I caress its pages with my fingers and press my pen into filling its lines. It is also the … Continue reading

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Wanting To

No matter how much I understand it, I’ll never get it. I hope one day I’ll get over wanting to. ~ cj 2013.04.07 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about … Continue reading

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Your Shoes

I can’t imagine how you can stand in those shoes, how you can claim that they fit and spit shine them as if they were worthy of wearing. I can’t imagine even though I’ve been attempting for years to try … Continue reading

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Off The Shelf

This plant was green once, full of life and hope.  Long tendrils of healthy leaves clung to well-watered vines, draping over shelves full of books in this home he and I built together. When I watered it up on that … Continue reading

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Torrential Rain

I tried to take care of you, even when your choices caused that torrential rain. But as it poured down, filling our streams, rushing over our road, I had to run harder than I’ve ever had to run, to save … Continue reading

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No Winners

Sometime in 1994 or 1995, my now soon-to-be ex and I were in counseling. We’d separated, because I needed to be understood, accepted, and loved for who I was, and that’s not how I felt. During the counseling, our therapist … Continue reading

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For The Rest of My Life

I will miss who I thought you were for the rest of my life. ~ cj 2013.03.03 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about it Subscribe to the comments on … Continue reading

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Dead Tree

You mourned the dead tree more than you mourned the death that meant you’d never see the tree or me again. Now that I’m done mourning, you’re deader to me than any dead tree could ever be. ~ cj 2013.02.13 … Continue reading

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If You Died

If you died, I would dance for my life, for all the times you tried to kill who I was, when all I was trying to do when I was with you was dance for your love. ~ cj 2013.02.04 … Continue reading

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Complete Silence

Complete silence surrounds me, so loud I can hear your absence like a pin that hit the floor, and reverberated without warning, expanding quickly in my empty echo chamber, until it became a requiem filling a symphony hall, at the … Continue reading

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Flush

I WISH all the mystery had been gone. The secrets I found you keeping were far worse than anything I could have imagined. And I would have given anything to be able to just flush them away. ~ cj 2013.01.31 … Continue reading

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Exposed

Twenty two years of seeing you naked and now that I know the truth, now that you’ve been exposed, I can’t remember what you look like naked. I can only remember how you looked to me, once I realized you’d … Continue reading

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The Last Twisted Chapter

Today I am writing my side of the story, what I believe is true…detailing out what I am willing to pay as a necessary cost of closing the book on this part of my life. I’ve been through brutal heartache, … Continue reading

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Rebuilding From A Fire

One day, driving around in 2002 looking for properties to renovate, my ex and I came up on a house that had burned. The front window was broken out. Ignoring his preference that I didn’t, I approached with my camera, … Continue reading

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You Want

you want these rules because you want, but not badly enough to want to break your own rules. ~ cj 2012.10.28 I want to write more about this. But here is a start. Can you see it? So much is … Continue reading

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Me

It’s so sweetly intimate that it makes my heart tingle and feels like you’ve whispered something softly in my ear that only we know whenever you sign your email or a colorful card with Me Bookmark on Delicious Digg this … Continue reading

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Listening…

… I can see you’re typing but then the … disappear. I assign meaning to your hesitation …it must be quite important …and I wait to hear. I imagine you’re typing, stopping, thinking …then typing again. I love what you … Continue reading

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Protected: Taking Stock

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Butterfly

Yesterday, as I walked to the shed to salt the water, I caught a glimpse of the butterfly he put in a garden he created for me.  A butterfly, the symbol of a free life after struggle, is the only … Continue reading

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Finally, Broken, Silent

You’re gone and this is over finally broken silent the end of a journey I never dreamed would end with both of us still breathing It’s deafening, the loud quiet you left behind and the spaces where your shoes and … Continue reading

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How

How did we get here? So lost from there nowhere near the there we were hoping to go. i’m not sure i can possibly know. ~ cj 2011.01.19 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit … Continue reading

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Let’s Just Agree

Let’s just agree that we’ll go our separate ways because there doesn’t seem to be enough room on this road together. instead of facing forward running smooth to our destination we’re turned in or turned out in a bad alignment … Continue reading

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Artifacts

When I pull away and look back at the artifacts the remnants and fabric of the life I’m leaving behind on the ground I see a sad combination of the hope & promise of life I was sure would continue … Continue reading

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A Short Essay On A Long Marriage (SparkPeople)

Originally published on SparkPeople. I can share here, right? I’ll tell you straight out what happened. My husband and I are separated. We got separated on January 1st, our 21st wedding anniversary. We didn’t get in a fight. It was … Continue reading

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