Tag Archives: relationship

Spent Moments

Even now with years gone by since you and I were us, I catch myself freely spending so many of my precious moments deeply missing who I believed you were. I don’t know why this is, when I am, at … Continue reading

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Skylark

I wonder if you remember with the warmth that I do, how you and the skylark never failed to save my heart and me from the frozen, pitch black winter the rest of my world was. ~ cj 2017.01.07 Bookmark … Continue reading

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Inside Me

When I am filled with the largeness and largesse of you, intense, in my space, inside, not even the skinniest whisper of a space remains anywhere in me for the fire of my fear, or the smoky smoldering shadow of … Continue reading

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The Miracle of Healing

I have to look quite closely now to find the seam where you carelessly cut me to the bone. You cracked me wide open, letting my guts spill out, exposed to your toxic dirt. Still hungry to hurt me, your … Continue reading

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Take Good Care

Take Good Care, I told you, and I left, because your heart wasn’t there, and you didn’t take good care of mine when it was. ~ cj 2015.04.03 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit … Continue reading

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A Plea From Management

Dear heart what are you feeling, that you’d beat my chest with your fists like that, when he has yet to kiss me? And oh my, then there’s you, Miss busy brain. I thought at least you’d have some sense, … Continue reading

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Be Safe

Oh my heart’s dearest pain, no need to worry, I’m safer here, running far, driving fast, going where I’ve never been, and don’t yet know the way. I’m safer here on my own, worlds away from where you try to … Continue reading

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Tender

you cannot cut and cut and cut, again and over again, feasting without regard, and then expect to come back and find more tender meat to filet from my raw naked bones. ~ cj 2014.11.25 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this … Continue reading

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A Moment

a moment when a thing was said and another was felt time stopped so an ear could hear and an eye could see so a heart could open firmly and fully and let what is true in that moment and … Continue reading

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Protected: I Hate These Moments

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Whole Enough

I am not whole in the way I view you to be. I cannot yet sit still and allow simply being to wash over me. Although I can, I do not like to stand on my own, isolated, uncomfortable, alone. … Continue reading

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That Was Easy

Such a simple answer to the coldness on that side of the bed. I have a heated mattress pad. This morning it occurred to me to switch that side of it on, and then slide my hand over there, imagining … Continue reading

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Shattered

Beautiful, but so very cold when I touched it. Misleading, it turned out to be nearly hollow. Everything inside it drained out as soon as I tipped it a little. I took some photos so I would remember, then shattered … Continue reading

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Bleeding Freedom

I picked at myself, mercilessly digging ragged nails deep into my flesh, an endless cycle of scratches and scabs and scars. I needed something, anything, to dig into me deeper than you did. I made everything bleed, little places, small … Continue reading

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My Proposal

No one else is going to let us carry on, like this, together, so let’s just carry on together, like this, without them. ~ cj 2013.11.13 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with … Continue reading

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Last Pound of Flesh

I have gone hungry already, and I will go hungry again because you thieved from me, wrapping what you took in juicy lies that you thickly layered on me and then them, but mostly on you, buttering them up, so … Continue reading

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Bird of Paradise

A bird of paradise solar-powered light was one of the first things I bought when I reclaimed my garden, a particularly painful place for me. For several years, I avoided it because it made my heart ache and caused me … Continue reading

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I Matter

It only took me a minute or two on the 17th to write Existing. I suppose it was ready to be said without much hesitation. But after I was done, I waffled back and forth for quite awhile before and … Continue reading

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Existing

You treated me as if who I truly was didn’t exist so completely that who I truly was stopped existing when I was with you. When I left, you still treated me as if I didn’t exist so completely that … Continue reading

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Arrivals

Cold-platform standing, silent tears, stinging from the brisk walk-by of him, him, like the others; misuse-me men that I’ve given my heart to for a lifetime of years, without their understanding or mine. I let them go by as they’ve … Continue reading

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Breathe Again

Listening to Breathe Again by Sara Bareilles took me right back to when I first walked away from him. I wasn’t so sure I’d ever breathe again without that deep seering pain, but I needed to leave so badly, it … Continue reading

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Fast Eddie at the Flower Shop

Poor Fast Eddie. She was unique and beautiful, and he fell in love immediately. You couldn’t miss that he had…he made no bones about it. “Wanna have a ball?” He wagged enthusiastically, and showed her his bright green ball. But … Continue reading

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I’d Rather Be On My Own

I got this photo from my grandma’s neighbor last week when I went up north. My dad took that picture. We look like a normal, happy family on vacation in the Wisconsin Dells, if you don’t look too closely, if … Continue reading

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Falling

There are so many ways to fall, don’t you think? An unexpected moment, an unlikely trip, a light stumble into an uncertain space, a sudden headlong aching pitching you into a void you didn’t know was there, a twirling, whirling … Continue reading

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Things Could Be Different

If things could be different between us, I’d put my hands gently on each side of your face. I’d stand on my tippy toes, leaning in cuz I’d know you wouldn’t hurt me if I fell. I’d ask you in … Continue reading

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Chasmic Canyon

“I promise, I’ll be more present soon. And thank you for your angelic grace and undying patience.” His words barely reached me anymore, less and less urgent each time they echoed across the chasmic canyon gaping impossibly between he and … Continue reading

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I Should Have Known

He said “You should have known.” He’s right, you know. I should have known, because he should have told me. But now I know. I found out on my own. He should have known I would. ~ cj 2013.05.16 Bookmark … Continue reading

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Replaced in 12 Days

I planted a garden this year, taking another step in reclaiming the space my (now ex) husband and I used to share. I wanted to see something growing here. I longed to experience new life again, in a home where … Continue reading

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Until Tomorrow, Whippoorwill

The whippoorwill trills over and over in the night lonely, looking waiting for her to call back to him. Sometimes he hears her and they sing for awhile. Sometimes he gives up and goes to sleep until tomorrow. We used … Continue reading

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Blazing

I watched from the window as he walked out again wide open jacket exposing his frightened heart, hands already quite chilled from having no mittens. A cold draft blew through when he slammed the door, turning away from the beginnings … Continue reading

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Stone, Stone Cold

Today is the first day I’ve written on stone paper. I find it cool to the touch and beautifully soft as I caress its pages with my fingers and press my pen into filling its lines. It is also the … Continue reading

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Broken Mess

Some broken messes can be fixed with enough effort and the right kind of care. Salvaging them might take several attempts, use multiple skills, require new approaches. Often seeking outside advice is what makes the difference. But the satisfaction of … Continue reading

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Wanting To

No matter how much I understand it, I’ll never get it. I hope one day I’ll get over wanting to. ~ cj 2013.04.07 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about … Continue reading

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Matter Of Time

“Oh, my, you two are so perfectly suited”, was her frankly astute observation, as if she’d discovered some treasure, as if she were the first who found it inevitably, painfully obvious. and then, as if she couldn’t help but continue, … Continue reading

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Symbiosis

I write because I can’t draw in a breath without shattering my heart unless I do. You ache because it catches your breath in your chest and shatters your heart when I do. ~ cj 2013.03.27 Symbiosis: the living together … Continue reading

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I Imagined We’d Dance

I’ve closed my eyes so many times since I found you again imagining if we walked softly and waited til the timing was right, we’d one day sink sweetly, breathing into the rhythm of dancing together again. I’d trust you … Continue reading

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Your Shoes

I can’t imagine how you can stand in those shoes, how you can claim that they fit and spit shine them as if they were worthy of wearing. I can’t imagine even though I’ve been attempting for years to try … Continue reading

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Torrential Rain

I tried to take care of you, even when your choices caused that torrential rain. But as it poured down, filling our streams, rushing over our road, I had to run harder than I’ve ever had to run, to save … Continue reading

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Run Free

Maybe some women want a partner, whether that partner is wild or not, who understands and admires a woman who needs to run free. Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet … Continue reading

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Let’s Not

Let’s not and pretend that we did, because my heart still bleeds from the last time, when I gave my all and you only pretended you did. ~ cj 2013.03.05 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share … Continue reading

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I’d Rather Be Alone

I always said I’d rather be lonely alone, than lonely with someone else. For years, I was so lonely with him, I did everything I could to stay busy so I wouldn’t notice. Finally, two years ago, I walked away, … Continue reading

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No Winners

Sometime in 1994 or 1995, my now soon-to-be ex and I were in counseling. We’d separated, because I needed to be understood, accepted, and loved for who I was, and that’s not how I felt. During the counseling, our therapist … Continue reading

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For The Rest of My Life

I will miss who I thought you were for the rest of my life. ~ cj 2013.03.03 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about it Subscribe to the comments on … Continue reading

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Sweet Sunday Snoozes

Sweet Sunday snoozes breathing each others air wrapped in a cocoon of blankets and plumped up pillows, wrapped in each others arms. I inhaled deeply and turned every way I could while you tried to dream, making sure each part … Continue reading

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Be A Lighthouse

This essay has been a long time coming. It’s in my heart, it’s in my head.  I’ve always loved lighthouses, and this concept has been a lighthouse for me as I navigate some major life transitions and try to find … Continue reading

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Dead Tree

You mourned the dead tree more than you mourned the death that meant you’d never see the tree or me again. Now that I’m done mourning, you’re deader to me than any dead tree could ever be. ~ cj 2013.02.13 … Continue reading

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A Leap of Faith To Make Myself Happy

I worked on paperwork again last week, yesterday, today to get myself out of this long-dead marriage. How can there be so much of this? I was so proud of myself; I am so past being angry, I’m giving up … Continue reading

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Complete Silence

Complete silence surrounds me, so loud I can hear your absence like a pin that hit the floor, and reverberated without warning, expanding quickly in my empty echo chamber, until it became a requiem filling a symphony hall, at the … Continue reading

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Flush

I WISH all the mystery had been gone. The secrets I found you keeping were far worse than anything I could have imagined. And I would have given anything to be able to just flush them away. ~ cj 2013.01.31 … Continue reading

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Exposed

Twenty two years of seeing you naked and now that I know the truth, now that you’ve been exposed, I can’t remember what you look like naked. I can only remember how you looked to me, once I realized you’d … Continue reading

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Where You Are

You sent me a picture from where you are now. I know it so well it brings tears to my eyes. It’s that treasured place where we both used to be when we believed we always would and where we … Continue reading

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The Last Twisted Chapter

Today I am writing my side of the story, what I believe is true…detailing out what I am willing to pay as a necessary cost of closing the book on this part of my life. I’ve been through brutal heartache, … Continue reading

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I See

I see, and appreciate, different beauty every time I look your way. ~ CJ 2012.12.03 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about it Subscribe to the comments on this post

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Who Am I?

I am in an odd space tonight, and cannot say what mood I’m in. If hard pressed, I couldn’t offer even the simplest guess on whether I’m okay or not. My mind is overflowing. My heart feels full and empty. … Continue reading

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You Built

you built these walls because you want, but not badly enough to want to climb your own walls. ~ cj 2012.10.31 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about it Subscribe … Continue reading

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Quiet Surprise

It’s quiet in here as I let the decision ‘not to’ sink in. I don’t hear a solitary peep and certainly not the roaring of chaotic thoughts I imagined would come barreling through all jumbled in my head from a … Continue reading

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You Want

you want these rules because you want, but not badly enough to want to break your own rules. ~ cj 2012.10.28 I want to write more about this. But here is a start. Can you see it? So much is … Continue reading

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Plenty Of Room

I went to the place I go when my heart seeks peace, to see if you’d fit in my new life, which includes this. When I got there I found plenty of beauty and discovered more than enough room. ~ … Continue reading

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Me

It’s so sweetly intimate that it makes my heart tingle and feels like you’ve whispered something softly in my ear that only we know whenever you sign your email or a colorful card with Me Bookmark on Delicious Digg this … Continue reading

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Sometimes

Sometimes the joke isn’t witty enough and the laughter isn’t nearly raucous enough to cover up the hurt lurking beneath, crouching for safety in the shadows of a silky sheer grin. And Sometimes it takes only the tiniest whisper from … Continue reading

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Welcome

I knocked on your door believing I wanted to drop something off, give you a neatly wrapped up, you-mattered-to-me package, let you know there were no hard feelings on my side of the fence, and if you needed me to … Continue reading

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Listening…

… I can see you’re typing but then the … disappear. I assign meaning to your hesitation …it must be quite important …and I wait to hear. I imagine you’re typing, stopping, thinking …then typing again. I love what you … Continue reading

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How to Change the World

How to change the world, one heart at a time…. Take a risk, open up, reach out. You can pull back, you can recover if you get hurt. But why start out with a mile high wall no one can … Continue reading

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The Difference of A Day

Yesterday, I would have quickly sworn I loved nearly everything about us, with the exception of how you don’t feel the same for me. Today, I’m swearing, as I slowly realize nothing else about us matters, with the exception of … Continue reading

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Skin

Her skin,  so much softer  and thinner  than she would have  preferred to discover  protecting her heart,  tore just a little,  bled just a little,  when the sharp edged blade  of his impatience  cut into her. Its salty stinging sliced … Continue reading

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I Forgive You

No matter what you’ve done to me in my past or try do in the future, regardless of how much you’ve set me back in my life with your choices, in the face of how rude you are to me … Continue reading

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Fire’s Edge

If I fall into you will you catch me and dance, holding me tight, twirling, laughing at the edge of the fire? or will you step aside unable, unwilling to hold on, watching me, letting me tumble as I burn … Continue reading

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Playing Me

I made a movie  of your hands touching the keys, playing my piano. you were amused that I’d do this, and asked me why. I lied to you and fooled you  into believing I just wanted to learn how to … Continue reading

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Pulling Up The Covers

when I first slept alone again after so many  years next to you, my broken heart  insisted I quickly  make the bed  the moment I  woke each morning, so I wouldn’t hurt each time through my bedroom  noticing how  perfectly your side … Continue reading

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I’m Not Going Anywhere

“I’m not going anywhere” you’d said, while you extracted yourself from the wreckage, wanting space between you and the painful rift you’d ruthlessly, thoughtlessly, carelessly caused between us. “I’m not going anywhere”, you’d said, but then, unable to resist, you … Continue reading

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It Left Me Room

At first a hole opened up in my evenings at the time you used to call, yawning, stretching out wide open empty, keeping me awake. It left room and time to reflect alone in the dark, to sink into the … Continue reading

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a sad one year anniversary for me. I made a choice because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. One year ago tomorrow was the day my husband and I stopped living together after more than 23 years. I’ve … Continue reading

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A Silken Web

That first piece of silken web delicately, finely woven from there to here and back again. Swaying softly in the breeze hardly seen it didn’t look like it could hold a thing. In those moments it could have been broken … Continue reading

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I Am The Boss

******** I Trusted You ******** I trusted you. I opened my eyes my heart my mouth my arms my body my legs I trusted you when you promised you wouldn’t that you truly wouldn’t. I believed between us that no … Continue reading

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Carrying The Weight of The Truth

I found the post below the line on Facebook today. I have no hope you’ll see this, and maybe that’s for the best. I do not want anything from you, and perhaps avoiding the truth makes carrying on easier… although … Continue reading

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Understanding

Understanding why someone is upset doesn’t obligate you to be their target. ~ cj 2012.04.16 Picture taken from Flicker – Jim-in-times-square Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about it Subscribe … Continue reading

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Life Blooms Again

I walked outside with my eyes and my heart open to discover that In spite of all the neglect and death I’ve been focused on around here, my flowers bloomed again, the hummingbirds came back to drink sweet nectar, Sarge … Continue reading

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Promise Me

Promise me if I wash my hands my hair my body that shirt those sheets this blanket promise me I’m not washing away the last of you from my life. ~ cj 2012.04.04 Flickr picture from rachelandrew http://www.flickr.com/photos/rachelandrew/409048810/lightbox/ Bookmark on … Continue reading

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Touching

you reached out, reached over reached first gently kindly firmly unexpectedly and took my hand.    I liked the soft pads  of your fingers, the dark silky hair the velvet inside of your wrists you didn’t grip  or grab you … Continue reading

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Velvet Kiss

velvet softness going down silken touching holding on fingers twining  pulling close weakened knees and racing pulse gentle hands exploring nuzzles tightly tangled all night nestled sweetly sighing deeply breathing melting moist need rekindling  all I ache and all I … Continue reading

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The Cold Side

I pile things on the cold side of my bed, and rarely clean it off because it’s lonely when it’s empty. If you were here, you’d warm that side. As luck would have it, it’s the one you like to … Continue reading

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Where In My World?

Where in my world did you go? I’ve lost you. But I know, I remember, I still feel where we touched, how you gratefully smiled. I squeeze my eyes hard to clear them, but when I open them to look … Continue reading

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I Am

You never asked me  to be  someone other than who  I am. But when I’m with you  I catch me being  someone other than who  I really am.  When I notice this I realize  I shouldn’t be with you. But … Continue reading

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Curtains

What we might have been  breezed through the room  so quickly, you missed the  billowing flutter  of curtains  I’d hid my heart behind. ~ cj 2012.02.07 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with … Continue reading

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Respectfully Walking Away

How do you walk away from someone that can’t be a part of your world anymore? Part of our journey is finding “the new”, making new friends, getting new jobs, buying new homes, new things. But as much of our … Continue reading

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A First Hello

And there you were already saying a first hello exactly on time before I was quite ready. You were everything and nothing like my wild mind had imagined you to be. And now that we’ve said a first goodbye, I … Continue reading

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Touched

You touched everything in my world until it began to ache so deeply to be touched by you that I couldn’t bear to let you touch me or anything in my world ever again. ~ cj 2011.12.29 Bookmark on Delicious … Continue reading

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Innocent Spouse

Innocent spouse, fraud on the community. That’s what it’s called when you say I do and you try and he tries and then he stops and turns on you blaming you and frauding what you’ve built, while you become helplessly … Continue reading

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Tangled

Today, I went in search of batteries for my heart rate monitor.  I knew they were here; I just couldn’t remember where I’d put them. You remember my heart rate monitor, don’t you?  It was the one that changed my … Continue reading

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Outsider

on the outside, peering in a dirty window through a sleeve-wiped hole cupping hands round my eyes gazing at the love i see wondering how it feels to be safe like that no matter what. beaten, painfilled heart battered, struggling … Continue reading

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The Gingerbread Girl

This little gingerbread cookie jar is sitting on my counter right now.  She has some very yummy oatmeal cookies in her belly.  She has a big smile on her face, too.  She looks pretty harmless really, don’t you think?  Go … Continue reading

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Change

You can change everything about you, but nothing you change will ever change anything for me. ~ cj 2011.10.26 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about it Subscribe to the … Continue reading

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What I Have To Show

Since I broke up with you, I’ve been going through my house, removing all the piles, rearranging the furniture and everything else I own. I’ve made more progress in the month since I walked away from you, than I’ve made … Continue reading

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That Difference Mattered

My heart burned because we were so different in all the ways that mattered to me… while you burned all our possibilities focusing on differences that didn’t matter to me at all. That difference mattered. ~ cj 2011.10.14 Bookmark on … Continue reading

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Dear Mr. Perfect

You had everything right… brains, education, resources, privilege, possessions, position, and charm enough to convince the world from a distance, and for awhile me, that you had everything right. When I got close, though, I couldn’t help but see everything … Continue reading

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No More

Since we met I’ve never said no to you, even when no would have freed me. I’ve looked away trapped in silence, no answer, shrugged. I bit my lip which you saw, and my tongue, so you couldn’t. I’ve said … Continue reading

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Shivering

I left you alone, your last goodnight ringing in my ears, tears blurring my sight. I dimmed the lights quietly on my way out, and the truth is, I shivered from your cold. I wasn’t sure my heart was strong … Continue reading

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All My Life

All my life love equaled owning. It did not exist, love could not last, unless it stayed beside me tucked in with my life. Please know, I did not have to hold tight. Still, I could not imagine how to … Continue reading

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Last Call

GM …..Yes. A Good Morning. Call? …..I’m sorry; I will no longer take it. Listening. …..I have nothing more. Hey there. I hope you’re having a good day. …..I am sad, but I’ve reclaimed my heart. I will say goodnight, … Continue reading

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Relief

relief    escapes       in deep sighs    from my lips and heart relief    floods me       as i breathe          deeper now       away from you    than i dared anywhere near relief    kisses me       holds me          closer than       you ever cared to relief    touches me … Continue reading

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