Tag Archives: divorce

Spent Moments

Even now with years gone by since you and I were us, I catch myself freely spending so many of my precious moments deeply missing who I believed you were. I don’t know why this is, when I am, at … Continue reading

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Disregarded Matter

There are two kinds of people who don’t matter enough to themselves. One of them gives a whole heart away without regard to the cost. The other treats that person’s heart with the same disregard. What a pain-filled matter love … Continue reading

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That Was Easy

Such a simple answer to the coldness on that side of the bed. I have a heated mattress pad. This morning it occurred to me to switch that side of it on, and then slide my hand over there, imagining … Continue reading

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Bleeding Freedom

I picked at myself, mercilessly digging ragged nails deep into my flesh, an endless cycle of scratches and scabs and scars. I needed something, anything, to dig into me deeper than you did. I made everything bleed, little places, small … Continue reading

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Last Pound of Flesh

I have gone hungry already, and I will go hungry again because you thieved from me, wrapping what you took in juicy lies that you thickly layered on me and then them, but mostly on you, buttering them up, so … Continue reading

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Bird of Paradise

A bird of paradise solar-powered light was one of the first things I bought when I reclaimed my garden, a particularly painful place for me. For several years, I avoided it because it made my heart ache and caused me … Continue reading

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I Matter

It only took me a minute or two on the 17th to write Existing. I suppose it was ready to be said without much hesitation. But after I was done, I waffled back and forth for quite awhile before and … Continue reading

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Existing

You treated me as if who I truly was didn’t exist so completely that who I truly was stopped existing when I was with you. When I left, you still treated me as if I didn’t exist so completely that … Continue reading

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Breathe Again

Listening to Breathe Again by Sara Bareilles took me right back to when I first walked away from him. I wasn’t so sure I’d ever breathe again without that deep seering pain, but I needed to leave so badly, it … Continue reading

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I’d Rather Be On My Own

I got this photo from my grandma’s neighbor last week when I went up north. My dad took that picture. We look like a normal, happy family on vacation in the Wisconsin Dells, if you don’t look too closely, if … Continue reading

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I Should Have Known

He said “You should have known.” He’s right, you know. I should have known, because he should have told me. But now I know. I found out on my own. He should have known I would. ~ cj 2013.05.16 Bookmark … Continue reading

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Replaced in 12 Days

I planted a garden this year, taking another step in reclaiming the space my (now ex) husband and I used to share. I wanted to see something growing here. I longed to experience new life again, in a home where … Continue reading

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Until Tomorrow, Whippoorwill

The whippoorwill trills over and over in the night lonely, looking waiting for her to call back to him. Sometimes he hears her and they sing for awhile. Sometimes he gives up and goes to sleep until tomorrow. We used … Continue reading

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Broken Mess

Some broken messes can be fixed with enough effort and the right kind of care. Salvaging them might take several attempts, use multiple skills, require new approaches. Often seeking outside advice is what makes the difference. But the satisfaction of … Continue reading

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Wanting To

No matter how much I understand it, I’ll never get it. I hope one day I’ll get over wanting to. ~ cj 2013.04.07 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with Stumblers Tweet about … Continue reading

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Your Shoes

I can’t imagine how you can stand in those shoes, how you can claim that they fit and spit shine them as if they were worthy of wearing. I can’t imagine even though I’ve been attempting for years to try … Continue reading

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Off The Shelf

This plant was green once, full of life and hope.  Long tendrils of healthy leaves clung to well-watered vines, draping over shelves full of books in this home he and I built together. When I watered it up on that … Continue reading

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Torrential Rain

I tried to take care of you, even when your choices caused that torrential rain. But as it poured down, filling our streams, rushing over our road, I had to run harder than I’ve ever had to run, to save … Continue reading

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No Winners

Sometime in 1994 or 1995, my now soon-to-be ex and I were in counseling. We’d separated, because I needed to be understood, accepted, and loved for who I was, and that’s not how I felt. During the counseling, our therapist … Continue reading

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Dead Tree

You mourned the dead tree more than you mourned the death that meant you’d never see the tree or me again. Now that I’m done mourning, you’re deader to me than any dead tree could ever be. ~ cj 2013.02.13 … Continue reading

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A Leap of Faith To Make Myself Happy

I worked on paperwork again last week, yesterday, today to get myself out of this long-dead marriage. How can there be so much of this? I was so proud of myself; I am so past being angry, I’m giving up … Continue reading

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If You Died

If you died, I would dance for my life, for all the times you tried to kill who I was, when all I was trying to do when I was with you was dance for your love. ~ cj 2013.02.04 … Continue reading

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Flush

I WISH all the mystery had been gone. The secrets I found you keeping were far worse than anything I could have imagined. And I would have given anything to be able to just flush them away. ~ cj 2013.01.31 … Continue reading

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Exposed

Twenty two years of seeing you naked and now that I know the truth, now that you’ve been exposed, I can’t remember what you look like naked. I can only remember how you looked to me, once I realized you’d … Continue reading

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The Last Twisted Chapter

Today I am writing my side of the story, what I believe is true…detailing out what I am willing to pay as a necessary cost of closing the book on this part of my life. I’ve been through brutal heartache, … Continue reading

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Rebuilding From A Fire

One day, driving around in 2002 looking for properties to renovate, my ex and I came up on a house that had burned. The front window was broken out. Ignoring his preference that I didn’t, I approached with my camera, … Continue reading

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I Forgive You

No matter what you’ve done to me in my past or try do in the future, regardless of how much you’ve set me back in my life with your choices, in the face of how rude you are to me … Continue reading

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Pulling Up The Covers

when I first slept alone again after so many  years next to you, my broken heart  insisted I quickly  make the bed  the moment I  woke each morning, so I wouldn’t hurt each time through my bedroom  noticing how  perfectly your side … Continue reading

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a sad one year anniversary for me. I made a choice because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. One year ago tomorrow was the day my husband and I stopped living together after more than 23 years. I’ve … Continue reading

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Carrying The Weight of The Truth

I found the post below the line on Facebook today. I have no hope you’ll see this, and maybe that’s for the best. I do not want anything from you, and perhaps avoiding the truth makes carrying on easier… although … Continue reading

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Life Blooms Again

I walked outside with my eyes and my heart open to discover that In spite of all the neglect and death I’ve been focused on around here, my flowers bloomed again, the hummingbirds came back to drink sweet nectar, Sarge … Continue reading

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Touched

You touched everything in my world until it began to ache so deeply to be touched by you that I couldn’t bear to let you touch me or anything in my world ever again. ~ cj 2011.12.29 Bookmark on Delicious … Continue reading

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Abandoned

You abandoned everything where it was, incomplete, messed up, broken, dead… …like us. You won’t return to complete, clean up, restore, resurrect… nor would I accept. And now I am left behind to recover however I am able from your … Continue reading

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The Rocks You Left Behind

This is one of my first iPhoto/YouTube videos. 🙂 These are the rocks you left behind on the land that we both loved. The ones you can see are hardened and cold and heavy. The ones you can’t are too. … Continue reading

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Innocent Spouse

Innocent spouse, fraud on the community. That’s what it’s called when you say I do and you try and he tries and then he stops and turns on you blaming you and frauding what you’ve built, while you become helplessly … Continue reading

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Tangled

Today, I went in search of batteries for my heart rate monitor.  I knew they were here; I just couldn’t remember where I’d put them. You remember my heart rate monitor, don’t you?  It was the one that changed my … Continue reading

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Gone

I walked in this room today, to find you just gone. Each thing you last touched, everywhere you last moved, the spot where you last laid your head down for a moment of rest, and some peace… It all still … Continue reading

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Protected: Taking Stock

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Butterfly

Yesterday, as I walked to the shed to salt the water, I caught a glimpse of the butterfly he put in a garden he created for me.  A butterfly, the symbol of a free life after struggle, is the only … Continue reading

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Finally, Broken, Silent

You’re gone and this is over finally broken silent the end of a journey I never dreamed would end with both of us still breathing It’s deafening, the loud quiet you left behind and the spaces where your shoes and … Continue reading

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A Feeled Trip to Remember (SparkPeople)

On January 1st I dropped a bomb in the middle of my life, setting off reverberations that echoed to my core in ways I never expected. I’ve been married for 21 years, and on the morning of my 21st anniversary … Continue reading

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The Plan of the Hour & The Next Race (SparkPeople)

I know it’s been awhile since I posted. I haven’t known what to say, and I haven’t wanted to say what I know. My husband and I are still going our separate ways. Let’s be honest, although we’re still living … Continue reading

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Running For My Life – My First Marathon (SparkPeople)

Originally posted on SparkPeople. Last Sunday, Feb. 20th, I completed my first marathon. My goal was to finish in under 6 hours, and I did it. My final time was 5:41:54. I thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to … Continue reading

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I Never Noticed Before

You’re like he is hiding outside he hid downstairs. I called him excited to say Woot! your team won He said yeah, I know. I call you to share what I’ve done. You say good job in monotone. You don’t … Continue reading

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Strong Enough To Do A Load or Two

Two days ago, I had the emotional energy to do a single load of laundry.  It was the first time, since I’d begun peeling the layers that were us off my skin.  I watched it pile up day after day, … Continue reading

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Small Big Things (SparkPeople)

Originally posted on SparkPeople. I have been writing, nearly non-stop, since I wrote to you here on Jan. 3rd. What I’ve written is here.  It’s also in my notebook, it’s in my correspondence with close friends. So I haven’t gone … Continue reading

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How

How did we get here? So lost from there nowhere near the there we were hoping to go. i’m not sure i can possibly know. ~ cj 2011.01.19 Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit … Continue reading

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Layers of Adjustment

We adjust to our realities, to our lives, to our hopes, our dreams, our failures in layers. When we are young we are horrified by the notion of things we’ll never do again because we are too old. When we … Continue reading

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Let’s Just Agree

Let’s just agree that we’ll go our separate ways because there doesn’t seem to be enough room on this road together. instead of facing forward running smooth to our destination we’re turned in or turned out in a bad alignment … Continue reading

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Artifacts

When I pull away and look back at the artifacts the remnants and fabric of the life I’m leaving behind on the ground I see a sad combination of the hope & promise of life I was sure would continue … Continue reading

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A Short Essay On A Long Marriage (SparkPeople)

Originally published on SparkPeople. I can share here, right? I’ll tell you straight out what happened. My husband and I are separated. We got separated on January 1st, our 21st wedding anniversary. We didn’t get in a fight. It was … Continue reading

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