Today I am writing my side of the story, what I believe is true…detailing out what I am willing to pay as a necessary cost of closing the book on this part of my life. I’ve been through brutal heartache, twists and turns and edges so jagged sometimes, I couldn’t imagine being able to write another word inside its pages. But here it is, what I hope is the real climax, coming at the last moment, in this last chapter, when finally, I feel strong enough to write it.
I am not looking forward to this, yet I cannot wait for the task of beginning it. I close my eyes and breathe a silent prayer to a god I don’t believe in, that this will be a conclusion I can live with, a price I can pay. I hope with all I have that this will be an end that allows me to gently close the pages and move beyond, to whatever waits for me.
I know myself well, I do. I will re-read this book; I cannot help it. I will read it to gain new wisdom. I know I will edit, too, as I recall, as I learn, so I have a clear understanding of all the details. But more importantly, I know this about myself…I’ll work on accepting that, no matter how much time I’ve spent on this, I just can’t fix this story. Instead, I will hold onto the hope that practicing acceptance of this will teach me the lessons I need for the next time.
And although it’s been hard to walk away from the characters and the happy ending plot I’d hoped this book would have, I see now why it couldn’t go that way. I see clearly why I needed a new book, a new life. The people in this space couldn’t find harmony on these pages anymore. The conflict was so violent, that the plot got twisted in a way I couldn’t convincingly resolve. Walking away with as much grace as I could find became the most satisfying end it could have.
Better to start a new one, a sequel I’m in control of, that I can write from a place of knowing how wrong it can go if attention isn’t paid. Better to spend my time on another story, written about my new life, instead of trying to repair a story so full of ache, I nearly lost my way in the frightening dark. Time to salvage what I can from that previous book, and walk forward. I am feeling strong enough now to imagine and create a new story filled with discovery. I will write my days full of carefree laughter. Adventurous nights will fill my life pages with friends that I love…friends whose hearts match up with mine…friends who are ready and able to join in my journey.
You can tell, can’t you, how excited I am about this new tale? If you know me, you likely know I’ve already written the intro, and begun to travel on the path, irresistibly running forward with the story.
But today, ah, today. I am still faced with the task of today before I can fully enjoy what I’ve begun to create. So I’ll close out this post, and I’ll open another page on my screen. I’ll begin to face writing the end of a story I’ve tried to fix for too long, so that last twisted chapter can be finished and I can live on.
~ cj 2013.01.21