This is something I’ve wanted to say to you, my friends. I have my Facebook friends in my heart at the moment, but this is for all of my friends, 2D or 3D.
I hope you have a moment to read it.
I don’t believe things happen for a reason. I think they happen and we can choose to give them reason.
I believe what’s most important is determining what to do with who you are and what’s happened in your life, instead of focusing on how you’ve hit the jackpot or why it’s all hit the fan and subsequently sprayed you in the face. (In my case, it’s usually because I hit the ON button 🙂
I was the kid who never had friends. Absolutely everyone made fun of me, a skinny clumsy, blabbery, beat up mess of a stringy music girl. I alternated between talking so much, I clearly deserved the tape that sometimes covered my pie hole, and hiding behind my bed or in my closet for weeks at a time. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t help but stick out. I vacillated from extreme excitement about the beauty of everything I saw around me and being completely involuted, wanting to die for being so strange. The only time I was popular was when I egged the other kids on to do things that were completely against the rules, or when I broken them myself.
I tried so hard to fit in, to be average/normal. 49 years of it, including 21 years in a marriage that wasn’t a fit for me. In the end, I didn’t fail. I got off the boat and jumped in the water, ironically to save myself from drowning. At least in the water, I could swim and find the shore without the weight of anchors pulling on my feet.
And as I gained strength, I discovered what I wanted to do was glow from my dark in a way that not only helps me see my own way, but maybe, just maybe provides at least a little light for someone else’s life.
I learned how to reach out with what works for me, my words, my pictures, and often by admitting and exposing that I’m generally more fucked up and weird than most other people. I’m proud of it now. And that’s a good thing because it just is what it is. More than anything, truly more than anything, what I love is making my friends laugh and touching their hearts.
In return, you, my beautiful friends, have shown up over and over again in ways I couldn’t have possibly imagined. Imagine how happy you’ve made an unpopular kid because you’ve believed in me. I am touched literally every day that you read my poems, giggle at my silliness, like my pictures and then open up and tell me your stories. You’ve leaned on me and I on you and I truly, from the bottom of my heart, can’t imagine how I would have made it through this past 15 months without you.
You’ve laughed and cried with (and probably occasionally at) me. You’ve changed my life for the better in all cases. You’ve affirmed my discovery that finding “home” isn’t about a place. It’s about living from my own heart, my own head. It’s about standing on my own piece of my rock where I can shine my own light.
If I can heal from my past, if i can find myself, if I can find strength, if I can find friends and a life that fits me, anyone can. Whatever it takes, I want each of you to know in your hearts that you have the ability to stand out and be extraordinary just by leaving your fear behind, and being genuinely you.
And no matter where we each go, I want you to know that you’ve brought the true meaning of the word “friend” to life in my heart, even if I’ve never hugged your neck. You’ve shown me the true meaning of being at home just by being you. It’s amazing to be here, and for that I’ll always love you.
~ cj 2012.03.17